Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Maintaining a Healthy Level of Sanity

Preparing for a long trip that begins tomorrow involving all forms of transportation other than swampboat, connections close enough to require tipping baggage handlers amounts that would embarrass my accountant, and anticipating at least six colonoscopies courtesy of TSA in various lost luggage hangars, I have pondered what it might take to maintain sanity, at least that doesn't involve a liquid or a gel or anything you can't take on board with you these days which is, well, anything. About to strike out, timing was perfect for the piece you're about to read, sent to me by a great friend, and entitled "Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity." I haven't tried them all yet but I can personally attest to the effectiveness of items 1, 4, 7, and 17.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask "Do you want fries with that?"

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The office Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a "Diet Water" whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask "Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?"

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Turn someone onto this advice -- someone who will smile. Its called "therapy."


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